On Empathy

Empathy, I think, is learned. You can observe and learn empathy. From other people,

other situations. Growing up a healthy kid doesn’t require you to be empathetic,

towards yourself or others, it just confuses the fuck out of you when you see someone not

like you. You are stunned, you don’t know what to say or how to react to this type of

person. Are they even a person? I’ve seen it so many times. That look. The “oh poor baby”

look, or the “What the hell is wrong with her” look. And it’s alright, to an extent. Growing

up, even going to a normal PCP appointment had the whole waiting area looking at the

elephant in the room like I was a cold drink on a below-freezing day. Or a car wreck, you

just couldn’t look away.

“Staring’s not nice, Jimmy,” a mother would say as she gawked at me across the brightly-

colored lounge.

“You’re sick? But you look so good!” Another one I cannot stand. It’s such a backhanded

compliment.

This is not empathy; this is throwing my validation out of a 30th floor window right in

front of my face. To empathize, you at least want to try to understand my world. And, yeah,

that’s hard. Here’s some good tips to start off with:

1. Learn about your disabled friend’s (relatives, acquaintances, etc) disability. Google is

a great thing, so use it! Once you’ve had that conversation with that disabled person,

if they are comfortable with you asking, research it! I promise, no one has ever come

out stupider than before by learning new knowledge.

2. Don’t act different around them. Don’t go all zoo animal on them and only do/say

certain things around them because of their disability. I promise, most of us have

been through a lot worse than helping you move your couch. And even if they can’t,

the worst thing you’ll get is a ‘no’.

3. Include us!!! Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I’m boring all the time. If

my friends are going to the beach, I most likely wanna go to! Wanna know why?

Because I LOVE the beach, of course I would want to go. I swear, just ask. And if

they’re busy it’s a simple know. If it’s a no because of medical issues, maybe the

beach isn’t something they can do, you can still do things to try to include them:

facetime at the beach, bring back a souvenir, or skip the beach entirely to do

something less dangerous for their health. So many ways to include your disabled

friends that they should never feel FOMO or left out of the group.

• And for my CF Warriors and other chronically ill baddies, don’t get too upset,

at least they’re trying! Don’t give up on them too soon, because trust me, those

kinds of people (the ones that try) are hard to come by.

Empathy is a practice, a skill to learn and hone. We are not born total empathetic

creatures. So, go get to know that kid you always see with an oxygen tank, or the one in the

wheelchair, you will come out a better human because of it. And for all you empaths out there, I know you guys feel alllll the feelings, and this post isn’t about that, it’s about all those feelings you don’t want to try to understand because of how uncomfortable they are. I get it, really. But, trying is already half the battle, and the CF community (frankly any disabled community) really appreciates it. So thank you. And if you made it this far, congrats! You’ve successfully gotten through my very first rant post! Here’s to many, many more ;)

—The Iconically Chronic